‘Rules of estrangement’ by Joshua Coleman
In this book, psychotherapist Dr Joshua Coleman draws on 40 years of practice wisdom to discuss why some adult children withdraw from, or cut themselves off completely, from their parents. Coleman incorporates his own lived experience of being estranged for some time from his adult daughter. The book incorporates some research evidence but it is mostly based on Coleman’s reflections from working with parents who have adult children they are estranged from. The book is framed mostly from the perspective of the parent and highlights the support parents may need.
“This books is for anybody who is suffering from the loss of an adult child or grandchild. While it’s written for the parent and grandparent, adult children will also find a new perspective to consider–one that may foster empathy and understanding. Estrangement is painful and confusing. It’s also complex: there are no one-size-fits-all solutions.” (p. 11)
This book provides some interesting insights, from Coleman’s perspective, on how estrangement between adult children and their parents occurs, the sociocultural changes in society that may be increasing the prevalence of parent-child estrangement, and learnings useful if you are hoping to reconcile with an estranged adult child. In this post I highlight some of these interesting insights.
My personal response to this book
I want to say upfront that this is not a book recommendation.
I did not create this post because I agree with the points made by Coleman. I found this book intellectually stimulating because it contained perspectives I had not before encountered. My family has its fair share of estrangement and reconnection after estrangement. I found some of the framing and the arguments made within the book problematic. Sorry, Coleman – it’s probably because I’m a millennial (this will make sense soon, dear reader).
Coleman’s therapy-based insights about child-parent dynamics in estrangement and reconciliation are valuable. Parts of this book read slightly more along the continuum of advocacy for estranged parents. Some of the critiques about the longterm impacts of, and practitioner approaches to, some practice issues are not consistent with the most recent research evidence, including:
- adverse childhood experiences (ACEs)
- domestic, family and sexual violence (DFSV)
- trauma exposure and trauma reactions
- mental health disorders.
Coleman seems to downplay what we know about the impact of abusive parenting on physical and mental wellbeing in later life, and to suggest that therapists and mental health practitioners allow clients to decide their own diagnoses in a haphazard way.
One of the overall messages seems to be that estrangement often leads to more distress than benefit for parents and adult children. However, the continuum of problematic parenting is wide and this is a fact that is not adequately addressed in the book. Certainly, there are situations where adult children will experience increased wellbeing by distancing themselves from abusive parents.
If you are interested in the topics listed above, you may find it useful to supplement your reading. Some useful sources of evidence-based insights about working with children and families, as well as the impact of stressful life events on children, can be found here:
- Child Family Community Australia information exchange
- Emerging Minds
- Australian Research Alliance for Children and Youth
- Palix Foundation
Challenges in discussing estrangement and in reconciliation
Coleman makes the point that there are abundant resources available on topics like marriage, divorce, and depression but that there is far less discussion of and resources about family estrangement. Parents in particular may not talk to other people about their estrangement from their children out of fear that people will think poorly of them and wonder what they might have done to drive their family away.
People readily divide themselves into ‘us’ and ‘them’ groups. In situations of estrangement, people do the same. Coleman describes online support forums for parents and for adult-children as being tribal in nature.
From my own family experiences, I have found that there are tricky social and emotional dynamics to navigate when some people are on good terms and some aren’t. It can be hard to be estranged from others but it can also be hard to be the person who still speaks to everyone when there is estrangement in your family. I once discussed this with a psychologist friend who summed these dynamics up as feeling like there are invisible forcefields between people. That resonated for me.
Reconciliation requires a range of interpersonal skills, including empathy, self-awareness, and self-reflection. Parents who have been estranged by their adult children may have become estranged precisely because they don’t have these skills.
Causes of estrangement
“And to complicate matters further, sometimes the cause of the estrangement lies somewhere in that vast desert between––where the complexities of each person’s personalities, histories, challenges, or genetics ping-pong back and forth off the other’s, and conflict operates less as cause and effect and more like a feedback loop, endlessly amplifying the worst instincts of the parent, adult child, or anyone else who wants to step into the fray.” (p. 10).
Single mums and Disneyland Dads
Coleman describes situations where adult children who have been raised by a single mum can later have more interest in the absent parent. In some instances this can be because the full-time parent is more conservative with the amount of money they spend and also provide more boundaries for the child’s behaviour.
Coleman provides ‘Disneyland Dads’ as an example and explains that when spending only a small amount of time with your child you want to avoid conflict and to fill it with as much positivity as possible – at the expense of setting limits.
“Conflict requires the luxury of time. Time to heal, to repair, to clarify.” (p. 5)
Sociocultural changes in Western societies
Adult children place greater emphasis now on individual growth and wellbeing than their parents and grandparents did. Rather than subscribing to unwavering loyalty or obligation to family, adult children are now more likely to expect parent-child relationships to be based on mutual respect.
I found this line of discussion by Coleman really interesting. I wondered whether there is evidence to support cultural differences in estrangement, either across generations or across countries.
Coleman suggests that Millennials and younger adults have concepts of the self, relationships, and parenting that are very different to those of their parents and grandparents. Estranged parents can sometimes consider their own misgivings to be mild in comparison to the things they experienced as children and so find it difficult to understand why their own adult children have estranged them.
Increased influence of psychology and therapy
Coleman suggests that the sociocultural changes that can lead to estrangement between parents and their adult children (mentioned above) are compounded by the increased social awareness of psychology and mental health concepts, as well as the increase in people accessing therapy.
Coleman argues that the aim of Western therapy now as compared to the 1960s is to increase a sense of individualism and so contributes to distress because it can lead to increased conflict and estrangement in families. One of the mechanisms through which this occurs is looking for areas of distress and dysfunction in the adult child’s life for which their parents are accountable.
“…today’s therapists and self-help authors want to help their clients become more resistant to the forces of guilt, shame and worry about others that stand in the way of their [sic] developing their talents and pursuing their dreams. To that end, family members have increasingly come to be viewed as facilitators of (or obstacles to) a fully realized life, rather than necessary and forgivable features in an expectedly imperfect existence. While the family was once where individuals located themselves in a chronological or social order, it now comprises the institution from which they must be liberated.” (p. 97)
Another way therapy can lead to estrangement is therapists not assisting parents to see the legitimate concerns of their adult child and potentially encouraging individualistic behaviours that will make the situation worse.
Therapists “accept the [parent] client’s narrative that the children are overentitled, disrespectful, self-entered. In doing so, they fail to help their clients address the valid needs and requests of the adult child. Instead, they encourage a kind of misguided form of assertiveness training: the parent is encouraged to set limits, insist on respect at all costs, and remind the adult child of everything they have done as parents.” (p. 100)
Increased social awareness of mental health and disorders has lead to labelling or pathologising parent behaviours. Either through mainstream culture or through therapy, adult children can start to see their parents as narcissistic or as having some other personality disorder. Coleman highlights how upsetting and humiliating these labels can be for people on the receiving end. It also oversimplifies the parent’s experiences and the factors that influence the way a parent interacts with their adult child.
“We call someone “borderline” or “a total narcissist” when we used to say “jerks” or “assholes.” … putting [their behaviour] in the context of a diagnosis sounds so much more authoritative.” (p. 104)
The point I found most interesting in the book was Coleman suggesting that sometimes maternal depression is confused for narcissism. Depressed mums, especially when also being a sole parent, can be more emotionally reliant on, or demanding of, their children.
Ways forward in reconciliation
Parents who have been estranged by adult children need to look for evidence that there is some truth in the way their children view them. It is unlikely that progress will be made if the parent is not able to use empathy and try to understand how their child got to the point of not being able to have a relationship with the parent.
Coleman suggests that it can be useful for adult children to consider the broader context and history that has influenced their parents behaviour, instead of focusing on labels such as narcissist. Coleman encourages adult children to consider whether their parent would have done things differently in the past if they knew how to or if they had the necessary resources to parent differently.
Author note
The reference for this book is: Coleman, J. (2021). Rules of estrangement. Sheldon Press.
Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash
You can access my own psychology research on the publications page of this website.
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